I love tea.

I really do. However, there's something I love ever so slightly more than tea & that's Christian culture. It makes me laugh. It's hilarious; the quirks, the oddities & the things that we get away with that if it were in any other context would be downright nuts (flags, anointing with oil, etc).

So there's a man named Jon Acuff who seized this opportunity & went public with something we've known all along: Christians are weird. I guarantee you that Christians themselves will agree & those that don't, well they're the ones to be extra wary of. So satire + Christian culture + internet = www.stuffchristianslike.net. Obviously it's okay for him to say a lot of the stuff he does because he's a Christian himself. Clearly if he weren't, he'd be done for discrimination & bullying so as much as I hate double standards, they have clearly worked in his favour.

Anyway, one of my personal favourites is the Prayer Score Card. I sent this out to my Christian Union contingent today because 1) it's important to laugh, God likes it & 2) hopefully they might realise they're not the only one who evaluates their prayers according to the factors listed below.

Obviously it's ridiculous; there clearly is no such thing as prayer points in God's books. Sadly, that does not stop us Christians from thinking that maybe other people keep tally & we entirely forget the express remit to please God, not man. But that's something I could talk on for ages (I'm an expert at people-pleasing. Unreservedly, without doubt, not a good thing!) so without any further ado, here is the Prayer Score Guide according to Stuff Christians Like:

1. Someone grunts positively while you are praying = +1 point

2. Someone says “yes!” while you are praying = +2 points

3. Someone says “yes Jesus!” while you are praying = +3 points

4. Someone says “I’m not praying for that” after you finish = minus 3 points

5. Your wife or husband give you the “wrap it up” tap during your prayer = minus 2 points

6. Someone in your small group references your prayer later = +1 point

7. The pastor references your prayer later = +3 point

8. Someone shot blocks your prayer, praying the opposite of what you just said = minus 2 points

9. Someone puts their hand on your shoulder while you pray = +2 points

10. Someone attempts to put their hand over your mouth while you pray = minus 2 points

11. You say the word “just” too much while praying e.g. “Just hear us Lord, just hear our cries.” = minus 1 point per each usage

12. You over repeat God’s name as if He has forgotten it e.g. “God, Lord, Father, Alpha and Omega we pray to you Holy One, Messiah” = minus 1 point per each usage

13. You say “sweet baby Jesus” while praying = +1 point per each usage

14. You pray after the appointed “closer” has ended the prayer session = minus 5 points

15. You pray so long that some people start jingling their car keys as an indication of their desire to leave = minus 1 point

16. You quote an entire Bible verse in the middle of your prayer = + 1 point

17. The verse is from the King James Version = +2 points

18. After, you are asked to pray again in the future = +4 points

19. After, you are asked to consider exploring another religion instead of Christianity = 0 points

20. Your microphone, if on stage, is cut off during the prayer it is so long = minus 2 points

21. You find a way to reference the “Booty, God, Booty” post during your prayer = +10 points

22. The grumpy elder or deacon at your church tries to knock you out with a sleeper hold during your prayer as a way to get it to end = minus 2 points

23. People clap during your prayer = +3 points

24. Instead of praying, you do a recap of the sermon we’ve just heard = 0 points

25. You use fancy “God words” during your prayer that you don’t ever use in your other conversations = minus 2 points per each usage